Every year, on this day I think of the time that I ate so many pancakes I was fit to burst. I remember your amazed faces as I sat and ate my 7th in a row and I remember the joy and excitement that you had about the day itself. I remember and I feel. I miss you and I hate that now all I have is a memory. It isn’t physical, it isn’t here and now, it is then and it is past. And sometimes I hate it.
I have always loved writing, loved words, loved watching films and TV and getting taken away by the people living within them.
The feeling of being engrossed, the feeling of excitement, of butterflies… I love it all.
Tonight, as I sit here with my YouTube playlist automatically playing in the background, a familiar video appears… Bad Girls: Helen Stewart. It is one I admittedly have not seen in quite some time as my Bad Girls obsession came to a natural simmer as I went from teenager to adult.
…and here lies the meaning for such a random post:
The video brought back memories and feelings. The feeling of excitement and of being so enthralled and captured by something that made me feel so alive. How can a TV show do that? It amazes me now. I very rarely get so taken in by a TV show or a film that I’m sitting there glued to the screen. This show, however, always manages to glue me.
Years after the series ended and even more years after fans said goodbye to Helen Stewart, I still wonder what it was that made us Bad Girls fans so loyal.
The show offered me such a strong feeling of meaningfulness and togetherness. Something that I very much needed when I first discovered the show in my adolescence. The struggle of identity and of seeing Helen’s passion and fire for wanting to do the right thing and to get justice for Nikki was something that caused me to feel empowered and wanting to take on the whole world.
The writing, the people, the realness… This show had it all and while things have moved on and changed over the years, this show can still hold its own.
I am not often in awe of things these days, but tonight I had that feeling of butterflies and excitement at seeing characters that I always held so dearly.
In these times of uncertainty, of lockdowns and madness, I hope you all find something to feel alive about. No matter how small or silly.
To be transported back to a time where I felt such love and admiration for the character of Helen Stewart, that she has always stayed with me. Sometimes things have no explanation and sometimes no explanation is needed.
Changes will ensure neither autism nor learning disabilities are grounds for detention under the actReforms to the Mental Health Act will help tackle the disproportionate number of black people sectioned, the government has announced.Black people are more than four times more likely to be detained under the act and more than 10 times more likely…Mental Health Act reforms aim to tackle high rate of black people sectioned
With all the well wishes and all of the “Happy New Year” messages that came flooding in, full of hope for a better year… I made two promises to myself: Drink more water (juice) and find ways to remain calm.
So far, so good. My ‘promises’ are not ones which can be taken away from me due to a national lockdown – which means no excuses.
I am eating fruit more, drinking less caffeinated, carbonated drinks and I have started doing Tai Chi.
Following along to some YouTube videos and feeling a bit of happiness that I am learning something new, in a time where not much of anything in the world is new, is a nice enough feeling.
Another lockdown brings with it more of the same repetitiveness that we have had since March 2020 – almost 1 full year.
But maybe we can create our own positives. Or at least try to. A little bit of Tai Chi every other day and some positive goals that I am determined to achieve is my own little way of trying to do better.
Hopefully the end is near for this Coronavirus pandemic. Hopefully some time spent doing new things (even from the mundane comfort of home) can help this year be a more positive one.
She no longer exists.
Just like the person she probably misses no longer exists in you.
Maybe it’s the memories you miss.
Not the person.
“Once I stopped worrying so much about pleasing others, once I decided to let myself off the hook, I realised I could fly.”
“But here’s the secret: the lows don’t last any longer than the highs do.”
“In the meantime, perform every job as though you’re being well paid… Respect yourself and your work as you would if you was being paid to be the boss, and I bet you’ll climb the ladder even faster.”
“Don’t wait until you’re on Broadway. Or until you reach the Olympics. Or until you’re CEO of a major company. Don’t wait until you’re the president of something, or for the day when your life looks perfect to you and everyone you know.”
“Don’t be perfect. Just be done.”
“Love yourself, and what you’re doing, even if you’re not yet at the place you hope to land.”
“Whether you have top billing, or you’re still dancing in the back row, you are enough, just as you are.”
They say you know who is true when life gets hard.
The ones who stand forward are the ones who have always been there..
But sometimes, it’s the ones you least expect.
Not because you misjudged their character or their morals
But because they maybe aren’t with you in your every day lives.
All of these people, both the constant and the infrequent
Deserve an acknowledgement,
Some words of thanks.
Sometimes the people who show up
Are not the ones you would have expected.
They say it takes a village to raise a child…
I am that child,
and I am grateful, in this moment, for that village.
The silence was literally deafening,
The read receipt reads 15:48,
The time ticking by slowly as you count the minutes of silence,
And the clock keeps ticking,
And the silence stays silent.
Is that too much to ask?
One simple question
Is all that I have.
Manipulations and deniability are not welcome here.
I have left things be
Always brushed it under the carpet
now the carpet has disappeared and now there is nowhere for it to hide.