Relief

There is a sigh of relief,

The last of 3500 words,

The last assignment,

The end of a long 3 years.

A breath of fresh air fills the lungs,

Time for a quick rest,

Time for me,

Time to write.

Make those Choices

Take a breath,
Wear that dress, that top.

Change your shoes,
Put on those heels.

Straighten your posture,
Raise your head to look them in the eye.

Choose what you want,
Ignore the voices that tell you differently, that shame you.

Embrace your difference,
Choose to change what you aren’t comfortable with.

Make those changes.
Make those choices.

The only person’s opinion that matters

is yours.

 

C

Breathe

Moving does not solve all problems – I was aware of this. I had reminded myself of this everytime I saw a film where the protagonist’s past followed them into their present.

Moving felt like breathing. Almost like for the first time in my whole goddamn life, I could breathe easy. No more elephants sitting on my chest, no more gasping and no more struggle.

And then…

I visited. I went back, albeit briefly. The journey was no problem, it was very straightforward,¬†however, walking back into my mum’s house felt like walking into someone else’s house. It no longer felt like mine, my room no longer felt familiar.

By the second day, I felt it. Sadness.

There was a shadow. I instinctively thought it was my cat, my boy. My cat that is no longer physically here. My boy, the life that ended because of my decision, because of my love for him. My heart not being able to live with the knowledge he was hurting, dying. He no longer waits for me at that doorway, it was not him.

Sadness.

3 days of hiding, of “Quick, cross the road. Cross the road. Quick.” to avoid not having to see people, of not wanting to socialise.

And then back again, home. The journey delayed by an hour did not phase me, my iPod dying did not phase me, I was numb.

And then finally

Breathe. Again.