Memories

Walking down the street, hand held by mum,

My eyes shift to the right, and I see you.

Standing in the doorway, cig in hand, 

Arm lifting, you wave. 

Standing in the street, I get stuck talking, 

The village gossips are asking if he’s dead yet. 

Walking down the street, towards me, 

An eye roll gets sent my way, long strides carrying you home.

Waiting for the bus, because what else is there to do,

Movement catches my attention. 

Through the window of your place of work, 

Waving your duster around like a flag. 

Sitting next to you on the bus, laughing like we always did, 

You ask me, “why would you wanna stay?”

Text messages back and forth, “how you getting on?” 

Phone calls just to check-in, and to hear your voice. 

A lifetime of memories, that words can never do justice, 

A lifetime of memories, is all that is left. 

I started a new life, and your life ended, 

And I miss you. 

If Heaven was a Place on Earth

White hair, glasses and radiant smile,
She sits.

The black cat on her knee,
Sleeping.

The muted TV plays on in the background,
The presenter’s loud “180!” can still somehow be heard.

A newspaper’s pages are heard turning,
Followed by the clearing of a voice.

“Guess what”, he says,
With joy in his eyes.

I love you.

What Was Already Known

The music is loud and the crowd even louder. Voices everywhere, an irritating mumble of everyone’s words blending into one monotone sound and yet she still hears every single word as if they were surrounded by silence.

            “Who would have ever thought it!”

The conversation had been a positive one, one where she had bragged and taken credit for her achievements and how far she has come. The conversation, was worth more than that response. She was worth more than that response. Those eyes in front of her, so full of jealousy and that bitter smirk only proved to cement what she already knew – ‘I don’t want her around me’.

 

Memories

Here’s to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here but you’re not
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we’ve been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

There’s a time that I remember
When I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever
And everything would stay the same
Now my heart feel like December
When somebody say your name
‘Cause I can’t reach out to call you
But I know I will one day, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ay ay
But everything gon’ be alright
Go on raise a glass and say, ay

Here’s to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here but you’re not
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we’ve been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

There’s a time that I remember
When I never felt so lost
When I felt all of the hatred
Was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah)
Now my heart feel like an ember
And it’s lighting up the dark
I’ll carry these torches for ya
That you know I’ll never drop, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ay ay
But everything gon’ be alright
Go on raise a glass and say, ay

Here’s to the ones that we got (oh, oh)
Cheers to the wish you were here but you’re not
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we’ve been through (no, no)
Toast to the ones here today (ay)
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
‘Cause the drinks bring back all the memories (ay)
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo (ooh, yeah)
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

( Writer(s): Adam Levine, Jacob Kasher Hindlin, Jonathan Bellion, Jordan Johnson, Michael Pollack, Stefan Johnson, Vincent Ford. https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/maroon5/memories.html)

4 Years

On this day.
The clock stopped,
It read – 16.10
Such a sudden shock to the atmosphere,
It stopped time.

The day before.
A feeling,
It was 19.15
A jolt of realisation,
Calm acceptance.

The happiest of days,
All day until 18.00
A phone call,
Devastation.

I Survived

“I wake up every morning, get dressed and carry on with the day. Even when I don’t feel like it, it’s just what you do.” – Grandad

I was raised strong. I was always a child that held fire in her eyes and I loved it. I challenged people. I questioned life. You get up in the morning and you start anew, you continue on and work through each day.

I have had panic disorder, anxiety, agoraphobia, depression and PTSD but I ALWAYS got up in a morning – even if that was all I did. I had moments of not eating, months of being mute, years of being bullied and belittled. That fire within me dimmed significantly, but it still existed. I still kept hold of that strength, it got me through. Every day was a new day.

I lost my mind somewhere around 2004, so many weeks and months that I have no recollection of. But I got myself out of bed. Always. Made sure to look after my body, if not my mind. Sleep. Eat. Wash. Dress. Read. Repeat.

Never in my life have I been broken.

Until 12:30pm on January 11th 2018. It was a Thursday.

Everything stopped.

There was no more getting out of bed. Eating was something I held zero interest in doing. In bed, I stayed, for 4 days.

But then, Monday came around and I was expected in University. So, up I got and off I went.

I survived. Unwillingly.

I went from stiff upper lip, ‘I’ve never cried in public’ to “Oh, I’m crying on the bus.”

Falling apart in public became a frequent occurrence. Crying in public bathrooms, on buses, in the street and in the shop was no longer something within my control. It just happened.

I survived.

Unintentionally.

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