War

It is important to avoid triggers. To not actively seek them out. Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, bipolar, an eating disorder… each carries its own triggers.

What if you are the trigger?

What if your brain knows just what images to conjure up to set your world spinning on a dizzying uncontrollable excursion…?

What if your brain yells at you all of the things that scare you? All your insecurities that only you know you struggle with.

All the negative comments and statements you don’t need to hear get screamed at you as your brain declares war against all practical thought…

I am in the middle of a war between the practical and the irrational.

With nothing to do but fight. I have no armour. I will win, no matter the scars I may accumulate. My soul speaks louder than everything else.

 

Flashback

I don’t think it was a good idea, but maybe it was. I was meant to be taking photographs – “our official church photographer.” I did indeed get the job done, but mostly I sat there in awe. The service was beautiful and it was a ceremony I had not borne witness to before. In the moments of silence; silence that I usually draw strength and peace from – I struggled.
On this day, instead of finding peace, I found panic. I flashed back to my Grandfather’s coffin, to the flowers and the despair.
On this day, I felt depressive. My friend is dying and for all the prayers that I could send her way, I don’t imagine the outcome will differ.

I don’t think it was a good idea, but maybe it was. I struggled but I remained calm. I got through all the negative thoughts and connotations and did what I had set out to do. I spoke with my community and socialised with my peers. I did all of this by myself, for myself. I am proud of the small achievements, of staying in a situation, of speaking with individuals that I do not know well and of trusting myself in those desperate moments of panic.