Gone

I saw you
Last night
Emaciated
Half dead.

All I could do was cry
Scream
Asking the same question
Again and again
Where is he?
He’s gone, where is he?
That isn’t him, where is he?

Then morning came
I woke up exhausted
I woke up sad
I woke up angry.

Viola

( https://pin.it/qgehj664vdtrek )70fc68c5017fe421306ead0bf81a84a2

Viola Davis
Born in South Carolina in 1965, raised in Rhode Island.
Viola is married and has a daughter.
Viola studied at Juilliard.
Viola has a theatre degree, achieved in 1988.
( http://www.violadavis.net )

In what has become my favourite scene in How to Get Away with Murder, Viola as Annalise Keating, takes off her wig and make-up. My first uncensored thought when I saw this scene was, ‘Wow, she is beautiful.’
I have always been a woman who loved other women and their natural beauty. I have never been a person who wears make-up and I often see people who are terrified to go without it but who look astonishing bare faced. My view did not change when I saw this clip ( Make-up scene ).

“I’m claiming it. I’m a woman. I like to see women on TV. I like to see real women on TV. That for me is what’s inspiring and that for me is exciting. When I see an archetype of womanhood on TV, it depresses me.”
( http://ew.com/article/2015/02/02/viola-davis-essence-interview/ )

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me
And I’m not here to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me

I wish you wouldn’t cry
The Way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We did not get to say

I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
Each time that you think of me
I know you will miss me too

When tomorrow starts with out me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand

The angel said my place was ready
In heaven far above
And That I would have to leave behind
All those I Dearly Love

But When I walked through Heaven’s Gates
I felt so much at home
When GOD looked down and smiled at me
From his golden throne

He said This Is Eternity
And All I promised you
Today for life on earth is done
But Here it starts a new

I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last
And Since each day’s the exact same way
There is no longing for the past

So When Tomorrow starts without me
Do not think we’re apart
For every time you think of me
Remember I’m right here in your heart

By David M Romano

(https://www.scrapbook.com/poems/doc/24143.html )

Mine

Every day, I miss you,
The feelings, like words
get stuck in my throat.
They choke me.
Every day.

There is a reason I came out here.
A reason, why now.
This day, this time.
A memory of you.
A physical reminder.
This gentleman wearing a cap.
The people we meet are for a reason.

The air noticeably cools now I am sitting here alone.
It was hot a few moments ago,
The sun’s rays burning through my jeans.

Perhaps this too, is a sign.
A sign that this was enough.
A sign to say, ‘It is time now. You can go.’
___________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s like they were the sun,
and I’m afraid of the dark
____________________________________________________________________________________________

It is difficult to see you as anything less than a positive light,
Even when you aren’t feeling quite right,
you shine.
____________________________________________________________________________________________

Everything is temporary,
You just gotta get through it.
____________________________________________________________________________________________

–  Me

New Year

I am sad a lot. I get asked if I am okay, several times a day. Each time my response is the same, “Yeah, just tired.”

There is no one thing, there is nothing. No main reason for such sadness, it just is.

This year – 2018 – will be the year that I write down one positive thing each day. So that by the end of the year I can look back at all the wonderful things that have happened to me and feel grateful for them.

This year I will try to be my best self, even on the worst days.

TRIGGER WARNING

9 years and not a scratch. It never goes away – the thought. It follows me everywhere. Perhaps not every day, but on the bad days. On the days where I don’t wish to speak or communicate, I reach for the blade. Holding it in my palm, I feel the scratch upon my skin. Never again. Do NOT. Holding it helps, feeling the blade without any actual harm. My brain is fighting against itself.

Do it.

No. Do not.

For 9 years, I have managed. I have found strength I did not know I had.

One day at a time.

If You Could See Me Now

“I’m trying to make you proud
Do everything you did
I hope you’re up there with God saying “That’s my kid!”

I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow

If you could see me now would you recognize me?
Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me?
Would you follow every line on my tear-stained face
Put your hand on a heart that was as cold
As the day you were taken away?”

This song has been in my head – my life – for a couple of weeks. My soul screaming at me to somehow acknowledge and reference it, to get it out on page in some way. To send it out into the void that this song is now yours. Today, I was walking and I saw this hat – so similar to the one you owned – and I had to take a photograph of it.
I now have the perfect image to go along with this song that I so badly need to reference.

( https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/script/ifyoucouldseemenow.html )
The Script – If You Could See Me Now.
Image used: Original image take by ‘Just Me’.

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In 2012, I was one of your students. I spent 2 months sitting in the back of your classroom, shyly taking in every word. I slowly became in awe and appreciative of your work ethic. When another student touched me inappropriately I had no idea how to react and was worried that I had somehow encouraged him. It wasn’t something that I was wanting to acknowledge or to confide in any one that it had happened. Then one day you asked me how I was and even when I said I was ‘okay’, you still enquired again. I was a very shy, sheltered young woman who was not used to being in such an environment as college. The experience was an overwhelming one, it lead me to leave my media course, the friends I had made and the choice to carry on regardless. I ran away.

Since then, I have come a long way. I tried to get a job, it didn’t go well but I persevered. I enrolled into college to take my GCSE’s and did a BTEC, that did go well and I walked away proud. I spent a year hopping from work experience, to volunteering, to traineeships and had many different valuable experiences. You have always flittered in and out of my thoughts and I wonder if you would recognise me now.

Your positive, honest attitude and brilliant work ethic is something that I have been silently trying to aim for within myself. You appeared to be such an independent strong woman – it seemed to be the perfect aspiration.

It can be amazing, to think of the people who stay with you, who make a large impression upon you. The people who are most likely unaware that they have made such an impression.

If my memory serves me correctly, you teach English. I wonder what your opinion would be on the things that I have penned. I wonder if I shall have the courage to send this to you or if I shall just post it into the void that is the internet.

Whichever happens, I hope this brings a smile to your face. To know that you do have a positive impact on your students and that they go on to carry it with them long after they leave your classroom.

Kind regards,

 

War

It is important to avoid triggers. To not actively seek them out. Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, bipolar, an eating disorder… each carries its own triggers.

What if you are the trigger?

What if your brain knows just what images to conjure up to set your world spinning on a dizzying uncontrollable excursion…?

What if your brain yells at you all of the things that scare you? All your insecurities that only you know you struggle with.

All the negative comments and statements you don’t need to hear get screamed at you as your brain declares war against all practical thought…

I am in the middle of a war between the practical and the irrational.

With nothing to do but fight. I have no armour. I will win, no matter the scars I may accumulate. My soul speaks louder than everything else.